Banging my head on the tabletop

Don’t get me wrong – I utterly enjoy being by myself.

If not necessary, I can stay in my little apartment with myself for days and days without feeling the need to leave my place and/or socialise. I love not to be obliged to talk, to act a role (and I have to act outside, as I am an introverted misanthrope and would not get a job and necessary connections that way) and to pretend to be a confident human being.

But the downside of being alone for a longer time is that I seem to be more vulnerable in this state as my mental illnesses attack me with all of their power in that case. On a daily basis I try to pull myself together regarding all my issues while working and going to my classes, because I just cannot be absent for the times my mental demons possess me as I would be absent for most of the time. But as I let this daily duty guard down while on my own I get overflowed with everything I managed to push aside in my ‘responsible adult’ state.

Additionally, and I hate this aspect even more, I just cannot motivate myself to be doing anything productive while being on my own. Reading and learning more about my beloved subjects, doing exercise, practicing a language, even tidying up and showering (yes, you have all the rights to be disgusted at this point) are tasks that my body and mind absolutely refuse to execute. And even if I try to do something, I am not able to concentrate at all.

And all this in a situation where I feel more or less good within myself as I am the type of person to recharge being alone. I need the absence of people to get a clear head and to relax. So these acts of subconscious self-sabotage and the rejection of bringing myself further make me even more desperate.

And here I am again…in my first free weekend for months which I should enjoy to the fullest, without having done a single productive thing, after a disgusting and painful Binge attack yesterday that lasted for hours and with suicidal thoughts winding like maggots inside my head…

Good times!

It should have been a relaxing weekend…

It should have been a joyful and cosy weekend for me….

It should have been productive and educational…

But it wasn’t.

Because of me being weak, because of me not being able to say No to the hateful, distructive voices in my head..because I transform into a powerless child when the mighty and dark figure if Depression is hovering above me.

I am so tired of this circle…it repeats itself again and again and again.

When will I finally be able to stand up for myself?


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